I finally figured out why I’ve been getting violently ill and ralphing every time I drink. Turns out, the medication I’m on isn’t supposed to be mixed with alcohol. It was like Sophie’s choice deciding which one I needed more, but I went with giving up the booze. Check out my adult decisions!

I didn’t work out Thursday night and came straight home and tried some vegan eggs in my freezer. If you like eating vomit, these “eggs” are for you! I hate to waste food, so I just drowned them in Franks, plugged my nose, and tried to eat it in as few bites as possible. Naturally, I was still hungry,  so I ate an entire bag of salt and vinegar chips and chocolate coconut milk ice cream. I went to bed feeling like a total piece of shit and I got up the next morning to discover chocolate stains all over my dingy t-shirt… I’m still available, gentlemen!

I spent the weekend with my three older brothers and their significant others. I should explain that I come from a long line of binge eaters so it was inevitable that I would be eating copious amounts of food all weekend. I decided to go lax on my vegan diet which resulted in me eating more cheese in two days than the entire state of Wisconsin does in a year. We also polished off a 3 gallon tub of potato salad in a day and half and I tried lobster for the first time. I don’t really get what all the fuss is about, didn’t really lift my skirt.

Sunday morning we went out to our favorite breakfast place and it was serious internal struggle deciding between a bagel or pancake as a side to my Bruschetta salad. I ultimately decided on the bagel, but was eye fucking the shit out of my sister-in-law’s strawberry chocolate chip pancake the whole meal. When she asked me if I wanted the rest, I pounced on that thing like a lion on a gazelle.

I felt pretty disgusting Sunday night when I got home but that didn’t stop me from eating the box of cheez-its that my friend left at my place. It was a little embarrassing to return a half-empty box to him the next day that had been unopened when he left it.

My brother’s girlfriend turned me onto “juicing” while I was down there. No, I’m not a roiding out like Ronnie, just drinking fresh juice for two meals a day. I went out and bought a $90 juicer because I got all excited and am the most impulsive person I know. Turns out, replacing solid meals with liquid isn’t very fun unless it’s a milkshake. I lasted about 2 days and then went back to solids… like a normal human.

I’ve developed a rather expensive exercise habit of pilates on the reformer. It’s $25 a class and AWESOME.   I’d like to think I’m replacing the $50 I spend on alcohol and take out a weekend with 2 classes a week. It looks like a torture device but it’s the tits:

I wore shorts to my first session which ended up being a mistake when my legs were spread eagle and the instructor was trying to stretch me. Whatever, she liked what she saw.

I also went to a spin class on Wednesday and felt like I was in some European dance club. The music. was. awful. The instructor kept talking about the finish line and tailwinds and making the lamest jokes. All the older people in the class thought he was hilarious… I just wanted to kick his spandex encased balls. I left the class feeling 10 pounds lighter and grumpy as hell from hunger.

I’m DETERMINED to lose 20 pounds! To prove how serious I am, I’ll start posting my weight again: 169.8 lbs. Woof.

MAX story of the week:

I got on and noticed a hugely obese woman eating a banana with no hands (think of a dolphin eating a fish). She then pulled out 2 bags of chips and smashed the bags up into crumbs and proceeded to dip her hand into the bags and then suck her fingers… Like some sort of “Fatty Fun Dip”. She washed it all down with a two liter bottle of cherry coke.  The finale came when she pulled a napkin out of the bag, wiped her pits, smelled it, then put it back in the bag. I almost blew chunks on the old lady sitting next to me.  I need to buy a car.

I spent my Friday night like most single girls in their twenties would: Alone, watching Dateline and eating an entire bag of lettuce.

Saturday, my friend came over to my place before we went out. She insisted I change out of my “Celeste uniform” (Jeans, tank top, and TOMS) and into something girlier. Had I known we’d end up at Portland’s biggest meat market, I would have worn a tube top and a banana hammock.

We started off at one of my favorite bars, Henry’s, where I drank umpteen vodka sodas. Don’t worry,  I softened the drunk blow by eating a veggie burger and side salad. I finally got buzzed enough to agree to go to Dixie, Portland’s premier night club… You can already tell where my night started to go wrong.

We showed up there and I immediately felt under-dressed and over-aged. The 18 year-old bar tenders dancing on the bar in daisy dukes and cut off tops didn’t help either. I still managed to have a decent amount of fun and danced like the white girl with no rhythm I was born to be.

Sunday morning did not greet me well. I hung out on my couch and waited for the vegan place to open up at noon. I actually called at 11:30 to place my order, and then waited at their door until they opened like a hobo in line for the soup kitchen. Based on my order (curry, wanton soup, spring rolls, and carrot cake), I’m sure he was expecting a small family to show up. I got home, put on my elastic waist-band, and destroyed it:

If you’re curious, that’s some 1980 Diane Keaton movie in the background. That was after I watched my entire Disney DVD collection. Clearly, it was a super productive day.

I had a Doctor’s appointment on Tuesday, so I went and got pizza afterward at Pizzicato. They have this amazing vegan pizza so I ate outside and, unsurprisingly, polished off the entire thing.  I was still hungry after I got back from the gym, so I ate half a tub of hummus just with a spoon…

Last night was definitely my low point in the week. I skipped the gym and ate a HUGE serving of pad thai with a side of salad rolls. But oh no, that wasn’t enough to quiet the beast, so I warmed up a frozen vegan pizza I had in my freezer and ate that too.  I woke up incredibly dehydrated from all the sodium… I chugged some water and avoided the mirror.

I took this picture on Saturday morning after my run, when I still thought I could make something out of the weekend:

 

 

Funny MAX conversation of the week:

Stoner: “Why do you have an umbrella in your backpack?”

Me: “It’s Portland. Gotta be prepared.”

Stoner: “Yeah, that’s why I always keep a Pop Tart in my bag.”

(Pulls it out and starts eating it.)

Me: “Yeah, I guess that’s the same thing.”

This blog is up to almost 1,000 views a month! I’d like to thank all the unemployed shut-ins that read this. Also, shout out to all my readers outside the US! This blog is a pretty accurate depiction of what’s wrong with our country…

I walked into work and “The Today Show” was on in the lobby. It was talking about a study that showed 48% of men would dump their girlfriend if she got fat. Really guys? You think 48% of women like when you get a spare tire, start balding, and scratch your balls while watching “Sportscenter”? No, but we put up with it and learn to focus on your other good qualities… like fixing things around the house and lifting heavy furniture.

A vegan restaurant opened up across the street from my apartment and, seeing how it’s usually crickets chirping when I walk in there, I’ve already become one of their best costumers. On Tuesday,  I went in there and ordered my usual (the curry (extra spicy)) and was feeling especially hungry.  Since I had burned about 500 calories at the gym, I thought I’d spring for the spring rolls (see what I did there?). I should mention that these servings are meant to be shared, so the fact that I polished off the entire bowl of curry, rice, and the spring rolls, left the small Asian man that runs the place totally shocked. He kept coming by to fill up my water and saying “big eater,” to which I politely giggled and shoveled more curry into my face.

I went to The Oregon Food and Wine Festival this weekend with a group of friends. The 5 bottles of champagne we drank before proved to be a horrible idea… at least for me. I got there and was irritated at how long the lines were. I solved that problem by drinking as many samples as possible when I finally got to the front a line. The evening ended with me calling myself a cab and waking up face down on my couch the next morning. Both my ankles were swollen because I thought it would really complete my ensemble to wear heels. Instead, I just looked like a complete disaster when I rolled my ankles every few feet trying to walk around the festival. I had also sported fake eyelashes to this thing, so my eyes were glued shut when I woke up and the lashes wound up in the middle of my forehead. Obviously, Sunday was a rough one:

Monday was a total binge shit show. We had a potluck for a friend’s birthday and I went nuts. None of it was vegan but that didn’t stop hurricane Celeste from eating her weight in stuffed jalapenos and cookies. Shit, I even ate Nacho Cheese Doritos… My orange fingers really put my shame on display. I capped off my Monday the only way that made sense: skipping the gym, ordering pizza, and then eating chips.

Crazy Max story of the week: A homeless woman that reeked of BO and urine sat next to me. Upon closer inspection, I realized she was also covered in ants.

I’m happy to report that Softball season is now over. We snagged a second place trophy in the G League, which is the lowest league. We weren’t even the best of the worst. I think it’s safe to say I contributed nothing to that team and successfully finished with the worst batting average on the team. If I could pick one picture to sum up the experience, it would be this one:

I’ve acquired a new nickname thanks to my friend. I’m now referred to as “The Blueberry Gremlin”. He walked into my apartment and saw me sitting on my balcony shoving blueberries into my face at mach speed. Having the shitty sense of humor he does, he then started calling me “Gizmo” and claiming you can’t give me blueberries after midnight or I’ll turn into a gremlin. Those of you that are too young to understand the reference to the movie “Gremlins”, jokes on you, I can legally drink and buy tobacco products.

That same friend also caught me squeezing mustard directly into my mouth. This should come as no surprise to my best friend Chelsea, as she once caught me shotgunning mustard packets in the basement of the library during finals week Junior year of college.

You won’t be shocked to know that I ended “Dry July” a day early. I did it the classiest way I know how: cans of Modelo and a boat ride. The last thing I remember is putting more hummus on a piece of pita bread than it can physically hold and aiming for my mouth…

I spent Sunday morning on an air mattress in my living room watching “Ancient Aliens” wondering where my night, and maybe my life, went wrong.

Happy August everyone!

I’ve declared this month “Dry July”, which means I’ve gone 21 days booze free (with the exception of a banana margarita that was totally worth it). At first, my brain wasn’t sure what to do on the weekends since the most computing it has to do is in the beer aisle at Safeway…  I’ve already lost five pounds just from cutting out booze. Could I be turning over a new leaf? Probably not.

Last weekend, my friend and went to try a Lebanese restaurant downtown.  The food was delicious and, turns out, the restaurant is a hot spot for men to bring their hookers. I even saw two of them making out. Who knew my groupon included dinner AND a show?

On Friday, I went into the break-room at work to get my usual afternoon snack and found 3 huge sheet cakes with thick frosting on the counter. I tried to discourage my food boner by telling myself it wasn’t vegan. Then I told myself  “one little piece won’t hurt anything”… Next thing I knew I had a fist full of cake and heart full of shame.

My mom sent me a food processor my parents no longer use for my kitchen.  She also sent me a mock turtleneck from a family reunion 15 years ago… On what occasion would I wear that? Anyway, this thing looks like it’s from 1982 but it. is. awesome. Pretty sure I’ve already made and eaten more guacamole than most Mexicans do in an entire year.

On Monday, I needed to go grocery shopping but that took a backseat to hometown visits on “The Bachelorette”. I didn’t have much to work with so my dinner consisted of bread dipped in Franks Buffalo Sauce. What was for dessert you ask? Bread covered in Agave syrup of course!

I’ve seriously thought about starting another blog devoted to the crazy shit that happens to me on my commute to work titled “Crazy shit that happens to me on the MAX”. If my dating pool were limited to the disgusting men that hit on me on the MAX, I’d be a very popular woman. A skin head with tribal tattoos and his 2 year old daughter trailing him on a leash, thought he could run some game on me by saying “What’s up with you, baby girl? You lookin’ real fine.” Barf.  Then, the next morning I sat behind a meth head couple that was drooling all over each other and I’m pretty sure the guy was sleeping with his eyes open…

On a brighter note, I’ve been actually making an effort and dressing up for work. I’ll leave you with this creepy myspace picture. I think the tampon machine really brings out my eyes.

Sorry I’ve been neglecting you all. I’ve been traveling and networking (drinking) the past few weeks and haven’t had time to sit down and update all you pathetic losers that read this.

Let’s start with the most exciting news: My favorite deli in all of Portland opened up a location 3 blocks away from my apartment. Four days after they opened I had already been there 6 times. Their vegan sammy is a-ma-zing. My ultimate goal is to be like Norm from “Cheers” when I walk in there:

“Hey everybody!”

“CELESTE!”

That, or get a sandwich named after me. I dream big.

Words can’t really do last Friday night justice so I thought I’d include this picture:

 

That’s sushi, salt and vinegar potato chips, Dr. Kracker, and two candy bars. The only thing not featured in this picture are the two tubs of hummus I ate in one day. It’s amazing I’m still single. The only good thing I can say is that it was all Vegan, but that doesn’t excuse the calories from going straight to my ass.

That Saturday I went to a cook out/miniature golf tournament down at the public dock. There weren’t many vegan options so I decided to drink my dinner instead. This proved to be a horrible choice when I woke up on Sunday with literally the worst headache of my life. I was laying in my underwear on my couch until noon and shotgunning Gatorade and ibuprofen until I was able to somewhat function.

I went to visit my parents over Fourth of July weekend (For my friends that are reading this and are butt-hurt that I didn’t see you while I was there, don’t be. I was only home for 3 days and hadn’t seen my parents in 7 months. Don’t be salty.). I was feeling a little “blah” on Friday night before I left and then hopped on a red eye and was a shell of a human being by the time I landed in Michigan Saturday morning and spent the entire trip sick as a dog. I heard you’re supposed to “feed a cold” so I used that as an excuse to binge eat the entire time I was there. . . I also introduced my mom to coconut milk ice cream mixed with peanut butter (and got her to use self-tanner, but that’s neither here nor there).

On the flight back I was stuck in between two children under the age of three. The little girl across the aisle was screaming the whole time and I’m not afraid to say I wanted to punch a baby. The little boy sitting next to me was adorable until he stole my pumpkin seeds and took a nose dive directly into my breasts…

The week ended on a high note when a homeless man yelled at me: “Damn! You got some fine white girl legs!” Bless his heart.

I turned 25 on Wednesday.  I’m exactly where my parents were at this age: married with a kid on the way! Kidding, I’m not either of those things. Might as well buy five cats and call it a life…

I wanted 25 to be significant for me and for this year to be all about good health. It just so happens that I’m reading “Eating Animals” by Jonathan Safran Foer right now.  At first, I thought this book was ruining my life by guilt tripping me to death. Then I realized I can make a really positive change for animals, the environment, and most importantly, myself.  With that being said: Mom, dad- I’m Vegan. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why, but I strongly encourage you to read the book.

I ran the Helvetia half marathon last weekend and finished with a time of 2:00… Not great, but the course was awesome and I got to stuff my face with a Helvetia veggie burger afterward so that made it better.

Later that night I went out to celebrate my birthday. We had a lovely dinner followed by shots being forced down my throat at the bar.  One of the few shots I remember taking was Prairie Fire (Tequila and Hot Sauce)… This obviously resulted in me spending Sunday morning on my couch, in my underwear, curled up in the fetal position.

They’re remodeling my gym right now so I’m having to go to the one that’s further away. I thought it would be a good idea to try and rollerblade there…  because I can’t let go of the 90′s just yet. Anyway, I almost died like five times trying to get there because 1. it’s through downtown and 2. it’s downhill. My breaking skills were not up to par and I had to use a telephone pole on more than one occasion to stop myself from flying into an intersection. Needless to say, I walked home. Did I mention my roller blades were denim? Yeah, stew on that for awhile.

I flew to San Francisco on Thursday to run another half, see our Bay Area office, and visit my family. I attended a happy hour hosted by one of our VP’s the first night there and really took advantage of the company bar tab. It’s safe to say I single-handedly put down about 3 pitchers of Mojitos. I’d like to think I do some of my best networking while intoxicated… I ended up leaving my credit card there and only realized it when I went to pay for lunch the next day. Awesome.

After a lovely hungover work day, I met up with my family and went out for pizza. We tried to order half of the pie as vegan but the waitress didn’t hear us correctly and brought it out with a different kind of cheese. Deciding that the only thing worse than eating animal products was wasting them, I did the only thing that was right and ate five pieces. I should mention that that’s two pieces more than anyone else at the table had.

I had the Zombie Runner half marathon on Saturday. My brother decided to run it with me the night before and we were surprised when we showed up and saw how small it was. This was the least organized, mom and pop operation race I’ve ever seen. The water stations were out of the back of vans and they ran out of water cups . Not only that, the refreshments they offered at the stations (Sprite, Coke, M&M’s, chips, cookies)  were also being enjoyed by homeless people. That aside, it was easily the hardest course I’ll ever run. A fourth of it was stairs, almost all of it was up and down mountain trails, and there was about 40 feet of sand I never want to run through again.

After the race, we went to my favorite Mediterranean Buffet in Berkeley. I ate about 3 heaping plates and managed to spill some coleslaw on my brother when trying to eat off his plate. Sorry, brah. We spent the rest of the day drinking beer and playing miniature golf. It was the perfect Saturday.

Later that night, we went to a smoke house restaurant where getting something Vegan was pretty much impossible. I ordered a salad and potatoes and would be lying if I said I didn’t try a rib. I left the restaurant feeling way too full and immediately changed into an elastic waistband when I got home.

Overall, it was an amazing weekend with amazing people. Thanks to everyone who was there to make it so special!

 

I’d thought I’d start off this post with a quick cooking tip: When baking salmon, don’t use your bare hand to take it out of the oven. It may result in several blisters all over your fingers. Just a little something to put in your back pocket for future cooking endeavors.

Last weekend I went out on a friend’s sail boat to watch the Rose Festival fireworks and drink a beer or 12. Afterward, I met up with another friend for margaritas and Mexican food. The fajitas I had were delicious but any joy I was experiencing from the meal was short lived when I tripped and fell over my chair leg in front of the ENTIRE restaurant. I should also add that I had several stains on my hoodie from the complimentary chips and salsa they give before the meal. I made us leave immediately after that so I didn’t have to sit and wallow in my embarrassment. I really shouldn’t be allowed out in public.

It was “National Kid’s Day” at work on Wednesday. I walked in to steal some free popcorn from the little kids and over heard Bubbles the Clown asking where the “Little clown’s room” was… I admire her for not breaking character.

My dinner on Wednesday night was crackers dipped in A1 Steak Sauce. I shit you not. My love affair with A1 goes back to when I was a kid and would dip uncooked spaghetti in it as a snack. I’d drink the stuff right out of the bottle… Okay, I HAVE drank it right out of the bottle.

I went to the grocery on Thursday and got really excited to see that blueberries were in season. I decided to get the biggest container they had and proceeded to accidentally dump the entire thing in my basket as I was checking out. I tried to help clean up by pouring the basket back into the container and blueberries went everywhere, all over the conveyor belt and floor. The check out lady asked me to please stop and said she would have someone get me a new one. Like I said, I shouldn’t be allowed in public.

Later that night was when shit really got sad. I ate an entire box of Cheez-Its followed by a Lean Pocket and brownie. I was unstoppable and full of Sodium.

This Friday I went to Zoo Brew and got inebriated next to monkeys and elephants. I can honestly say that’s a first.

I spent all day Saturday on my friend’s sailboat again and drank umpteen beers. We decided to head back to their place so they could cook us a delicious meal. I would have enjoyed more of the cooked food had I not stuffed my face with BBQ chips dipped in Sour Cream. Who the hell does that? Sour cream? Really, Celeste?

We ended the night at the Starlight parade where I had to duck out early due to my BBQ chip/ sour cream gut-ache.

So I finally got my Oregon driver’s license!.. Even though I haven’t had a car in almost seven years. I might have a fat ass but I have a tight little carbon foot print. The guy in front of me had failed his written exam for the fourth time and was causing a scene while a 94 year old man cruised right by him and got his renewed.

Last week our managers were in town and took us out for bowling and beers. I passed on the beers (shocking, I know) and when they asked if we should get appetizers I said: “No thanks, I’m not hungry. I just ate on the car ride over.” The “just ate” part was true. The “not hungry” part was a boldfaced lie. They ordered the appetizers anyway which consisted of fries, hot wings, and nachos. I eye-fucked the nachos for a good 2 minutes before diving in. I circled them like a vulture for the next 10 minutes, picking at them in between bowling turns.

I ended up going pretty hard on Friday night which made for a miserable Saturday morning of eating pizza in bed and sleeping. This cycle repeated itself until roughly 6:30 PM when I had to get up and tailgate for the Timbers game. I use the words “had to” and “wanted to” interchangeably.  As you might guess, this led to me laying around and eating junk food all day Sunday. It’s safe to say I didn’t contribute anything to my health or society this weekend.

I was back on track by Monday. I successfully ran 8 miles and lifted at the gym every night Mon-Wed. I was going to go last night but the weather was crappy and my foot hurt. At least that’s the excuse I gave myself to sit on my couch watching reruns of  “30 Rock” and eating vegan brownies (which were DELICIOUS).

Which brings me to today: I want to wait on weighing myself until next week because I didn’t want to get discouraged if I didn’t lose anything. I’d end up wallowing in my frustration with a tube of cookie dough.

I’m getting back on track and plan on not drinking this whole 3 day weekend. Don’t be surprised if my plans change, though :)

Have a good memorial day weekend, everyone!

 

Well kids, I’ve been avoiding you. The past couple weeks have not been good. I understand if you never want to read this blog again but I’d like to think you still find me amusing.

Let’s start with the most productive thing I’ve done in two weeks: I ran the Cinco De Mayo half marathon. This was not an easy feat as the first 9 miles of the course was uphill which made me tempted to flip over a water table and punch a volunteer in the face. I didn’t. Instead I bitched to myself and powered through. I finished with a time of 2:03 which is not great but whatever. I’ll get ‘em next time.

I signed up for our company softball team and managed to not hit the ball once, not even with my bat. In slow pitch softball. I struck out 3 times in SLOW pitch softball. Clearly any athletic prowess I have does not translate over.

I managed to do something this past week that I haven’t done since spring break ‘08: Drink 5 out of 7 days.

Highlights included:

  • Going on a strip club tour of Portland and getting yelled at for not tipping one of the dancers because frankly, she scared me (think piercings).
  • Later getting a beer bought for me by another stripper because I had “Nice tits”.
  • My friend faking a hamstring injury at our soccer game Saturday morning so we could ditch out early for Bloody Mary’s.
  • Passing out around noon and waking up to a box of Domino’s pizza that I sat and ate in the hallway like a Mongrel. God bless whoever put it there.

Proud of me, mom? I sent a text to my brother asking him what it says about me that I got drunk 5/7 days this week and his response was “It tells me you’re dead inside.” Love you, bro.

Look, I’m not proud of myself but I live in Portland and when it’s above 65 degrees out I get a weather boner and want to sit outside and have cocktails rather than hit the gym.  I can’t say it wasn’t fun, but it definitely comes with  a price. I finally faced my mortal enemy this morning, the scale. That bitch was not friendly either. Days like these I kind of regret having all of you as an audience, constantly judging me. 172 pounds. New low. STOP JUDGING!

On a serious note, an old high school friend sent me a lovely message about my blog that I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing:

“Not sure if I have the “balls” to start a blog. I think that is why I admire you so much…because you DO have the confidence to lay it all out there. I’m serious about the book. Girls out there need to know it’s okay to eat, perhaps fall off the proverbial “wagon” and still be able to get back on track. No one is perfect…and in this day age, it’s hard to remember that sometimes. Bless your freakin’ heart! :)

That, along with all the people telling me to write a book keeps me writing this garbage, so thank you!

Also, the site is currently being worked on so ignore the wood background. Or don’t and be a snobby jerk.