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Happy one year anniversary DOABE readers! What a year it’s been, eh? I would take time to reflect on what I learned but that seems boring and this isn’t fucking Oprah.

The office was full of holiday treats the week before break. I don’t eat a lot of sugar these days, so when I do I get the spins and a pretty bad headache. You’d think this would stop me from shoveling the Christmas cookies, candy, and chocolate into my face in mass quantities…  but no. Instead, I sit in my cubicle with a sugar hangover questioning whether I have ANY self-control left.

I boarded my plane to California around noon on the 23rd. As soon as I got on the flight attendant was already annoying me: “You know my last flight was full of babies. It reminded me of that one show… What’s the show with all the babies?” Everyone looked around because no one had the slightest clue what the hell  she was talking about. Maybe because you gave the vaguest fucking description possible? And what shows are you watching? And no, I don’t care what your grandmother used to say about manners, or appreciate that you call club soda “bubble water”.

We got my mom an iPad for Christmas and that thing was glued to her hand the rest of the trip. She should probably start calling it the “solitaire machine” because that’s all she uses it for, occasionally shouting out the fictional amount of money she’s  “won”. My brother joked that we should have saved the money and just gotten her a deck of cards. When I tried to give her shit about not giving me enough attention, she replied: “It’s like smoking. I can do it and socialize at the same time.” She got me a pair of knitting needles for Christmas, so it was a bizarre role reversal when I was knitting a scarf and bitching that she was playing her iPad too much.

We ate out several times at this burger joint/ whiskey bar. It was here that it became very apparent that my dad’s hearing is not quite what it used to be:

Dad: “What’s your name?”

Waitress: “Lara.”

Dad: “What?”

Waitress: “LARA.”

Dad: “Florence. Got it.”

I spent New Years Eve with my family and some friends. I was barely able to stay awake until midnight and fell asleep on the couch shortly after. I was woken up around 3:45 am to the sounds of my friend ralphing all over the couch next to me. I wouldn’t have wanted to ring in 2012 any other way… Also, I was slightly relieved it wasn’t me for a change.

I think it’s safe to say I gained about 20 pounds over the break. I blame this on my alter ego “Vacation Celeste”. She gets off a routine, doesn’t work out, binges on everything until she’s uncomfortably full, doesn’t shower, and hangs out in sweat pants all day. I both love and hate her. I’d like to straighten her out but she’s one stubborn bitch.

I even strayed from the vegan diet and ate meat! In my defense, I get my dad’s cooking but once a year and the meat was from a local farm with grass fed animals. Not surprisingly, I ate too much of it and got the meat sweats almost every night.

The weather was in the high 70’s the entire trip and we spent our days playing four square, beach volleyball, corn hole, and hiking.  All in all, it was an amazing vacation and I feel continually blessed to have such an awesome family. Thanks to all of you for the hospitality, good food, and even better company.

PS. If anyone wants to offer me a job in California, I’m all ears. What I lack in basic skill and common sense, I make up for in charisma… and handies.








Am I the only one that secretly hopes Guy Fieri would crash that stupid convertible at the beginning of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives”? He’s just so smug with his bleached hair, backward sunglasses, and stupid goatee.

Last Tuesday I was walking to the gym and a guy approached me and said “Man, you’re hella pretty.” I was feeling really good until I looked up and noticed he was cross-eyed… I’m not even sure he really saw me. Once I got there, I was on the StairMaster and an old man with moobs (male breasts) and pit stains told me not to stare at his ass while he bent down to get a drink from the drinking fountain. I laughed and then almost threw up.

On Saturday we went to see the Nutcracker. It was my first time seeing it and I was not prepared for the amount of small children at the show. I enjoyed the ballet but did not enjoy the little girl blowing snot out of her nose 3 inches from my face and the rustle of plastic bags from the snacks they all brought from home. Maybe I’m turning into a Scrooge.

That night we wound up at a bar and sat next to a table of older gentlemen. They struck up a conversation with us and after a couple minutes of small talk, one of the girls at the table looked at me and yelled “THAT’S MY DAD” and then his wife stormed off. I had no clue what was happening, but 2 minutes later two of the dads were on the ground leg wrestling… Maybe for my honor? Who knows.

On Sunday I made a huge batch of Vegan Minestrone with Soyrizo. If you haven’t tried Soyrizo, you should. It’s the tits as far as meat substitutes go.

I ate like 6 bowls of the Minestrone but was still craving something salty and greasy… specifically salt and vinegar chips. I was trying to fight off the craving all day but eventually caved and ran to Safeway around 7:30. I ended up eating THE ENTIRE BAG. I was a greasy, thirsty, sweaty ball of shame on my couch.

On Monday I sat on my couch and ate spoonfuls of Frank’s hot sauce. I’m not proud, but it IS calorie free.

After my binging episode on Sunday, I was trying to be good all week, which I was until yesterday. We had a Christmas cookie exchange at work at I ended up eating somewhere close to 30 cookies. As if that wasn’t enough, my spiral of shame continued when I got home and ate 5 pieces of pizza and drank 3 bottles of beer. Considering I’ll probably be eating pretty unhealthy while I’m on vacation this next week,  it looks like I’ll be about 20 pounds heavier come 2012. Woof.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday full of family, friends, food, and fun. Also, keep the change, ya filthy animals.

Vegan Reason: Currently, a third of the land on our planet is used to raise farm animals. One large factory farm can create as much waste as the entire city of Los Angeles.

Remember when you were a kid and if you put a plastic bag anywhere near your face your mom would scream “NEVER put a plastic bag over your head!”… She was obvioulsy worried that you’d suffocate. In order for this scenario to ACTUALLY happen you would:

1. Have to have some sort of T-rex arms that are not capable of pulling the bag off your head.

2. Be the dumbest fucking kid on the planet to not be able to find your way out of a plastic bag.

Sorry to start out off topic, but I was thinking about it earlier… when I had a plastic bag on my head.

Monday night I got back from the gym and went to town on a bag of almonds. Because I was too lazy to walk 4 feet to the kitchen, I literally had to throw them in there from the couch in order to get myself to stop eating.

I also found a place that serves vegan frozen yogurt that night, which has bad news and thunder thighs written all over it.

I’m usually the only one on the stair master when I go to the gym, so this means I get to have my trashy reality TV fix since I don’t have cable.  On Tuesday night, I grabbed the remote from the front desk, like always do, and channel surfed until I found something suitable, which happened to be reruns of  “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”. RIGHT after I changed it, I heard “OH, WHAT THE FUCK?!” from behind the pillar. Turns out an old man had been there the whole time, I just didn’t see him. He made me change it back to the ESPN and scolded me for having horrible taste.

We had our managers in town on Thursday, which meant a team outing and heavy drinking. We wound up at Shanghai Tunnel and then Thirsty Lion. Turns out, my manager loves to drink and was ordering everyone tequila shots in between my micro brews. The night ended with everyone giving sappy toasts about why we love our team. Not a dry eye in the place… except for the entire wait staff that was probably really fucking annoyed with our entire party.

That. Friday. was. awful. There is nothing worse than working with a hangover. I was half tempted to just crawl under my desk and call it a day but I settled for taking like 6 cat naps on top of my desk instead. That night I fell asleep at 9 pm and woke up at 9 am. It was glorious.

The guy that works at the tanner has been asking me out for weeks and I’ve been able to dodge around it every time. Think of The Situation from “Jersey Shore”, only taller and blond… meaning not my type at all. He also owns a little Pomeranian that runs around, which makes him even less attractive since he can’t even handle a real dog. Anyway, half way through me pretending to listen to him about his “modeling gigs” he said he wanted to show my something cool on his phone… which turned out just to be shirtless pictures of him flexing in the mirror. Really asshole? Does this actually work on girls?

Also, before you judge me for going to the tanner, I live in the gray epicenter of the US. My face may look like an old catcher’s mitt, but at least I’m not totally depressed from lack of Vitamin D.

That Saturday was another holiday party hosted by one of my coworkers. We pre-drank at my friend’s apartment but she didn’t have any mixers… which means I drank orange vodka with water…I hear that’s what Johnny Depp drinks. We made our way to the party, where I drank a 6 pack of Widmer and mingled for a bit then we headed to Blitz downtown. Leaving there and trying horrible pick up lines on my friend’s old college buddy turned out to be the last thing I remember. Were it not for the stamp on my wrist, I would have had no idea we went to Gypsy that night. Turns out I’m an asshole and my friends had to drive me home… where I took a huge spill getting out of the car and have a large bruise on my ass to prove it. Luckily, they left me a survival kit consisting of a pile of Cheez -its and Gatorade to wake up to in the morning:


I consumed both of them immediately after I woke up.

I’m happy to report that I fit into my high school jeans without a muffin top. Sexy, eh?

Shameless plug: Check out my sister-in-law’s Etsy store. She’s amazingly talented and has some awesome pieces:

MAX Story of the Week: A hugely obese man that sounded like Foghorn Leghorn was talking to his friend that was hacking up a lung next to me about what they were going to tell their Parole Officers about “keeping their noses clean”.

Vegan Reason: The health benefits of a vegetarian and vegan lifestyle are vast. The American Dietetic Association (or ADA) released a report which stated that vegetarians and vegans “meet and exceed requirements” for protein consumption. In fact, vegetarians and vegans usually have better protein consumption than people who eat meat, dairy and eggs.

I’m sorry it’s been awhile since my last post, but how about you shut up and stop complaining.

I spent Thanksgiving in California with my brothers and it’s safe to say I spent the entire 5 days in an elastic waistband being uncomfortably full. My breathing was usually shallow by like 3pm most days because I’d already eaten more cheese (yeah, I cheated) and carbohydrates than any human should.

I volunteered to cook all the sides and my brother was in charge of the turkey.  I managed to make everything vegan and escaped with minimal burns. The food was delicious and after 2 plates, I turned into a beached whale on the couch.  My only form of communication for the next 30 minutes was occasional groans and pointing. Despite being on the verge of puking, the thought of missing out on pumpkin pie was more painful to me than the stomach ache it would cause.  Naturally, I decided to shove pie in my pie hole and then fell asleep on the couch 10 minutes later.

My sister-in-law convinced me to take a hot yoga/sculpt class the day I flew in. I was excited to try it, especially since I had just finished a healthy snack of stale croutons dipped in balsamic vinegar (they hadn’t gone shopping in awhile).  I probably would have gotten more out of the class, but we both had the church giggles and couldn’t stop laughing… especially when I tried to do a push up. Turns out,  I can’t even do one fucking push up. ONE! It looks more like a walrus sitting up.

This past weekend was our annual Holiday party. After last year’s fiasco, I set a few goals for myself:

1. Not black out BEFORE I even get to the party.

2. Not hang out by the buffet all night stuffing my face.

3. Stay longer than an hour.

4. Not pass out on the shuttle home.

I met all of my goals, but created a whole new set of problems for myself, which is always good at a work function. My demise started when I slipped in a puddle of beer that *I* had spilled 5 minutes prior. Then, I turtle backed on the dance floor while trying to grab a co-worker’s boob. Both classy and professional. The real kicker was when I took my shoes off outside, tripped on the sidewalk, stubbed my toe, and then dragged blood all over the ballroom floor. It honestly looked like someone died. I think I clearly demonstrated that I’m management material.

My friends graciously took me home in a cab and put me to bed. I woke up in the morning and some how had soy sauce all over my sheets…don’t bother asking, because I can’t explain. Cleaning that up really made my hangover fun.


MAX Story of the Week: A small Asian boy was practicing some sort of burlesque moves in the reflection of the door… and getting in EVERYONE’S way.

Vegan Reason: The over-fishing of our oceans has led to a dangerously dramatic decline in wildlife. For every ten tuna, sharks, and other large predatory fish that were in our oceans fifty to a hundred years ago, only one is left.

I found out even more details from my weekend in California: Apparently, I told my brother’s friends who are expecting their first child together, that their unborn baby was going to be an asshole. This was shortly after I put my sunglasses on after it got dark and told everyone I was Cher. I’m good at making new friends…

Last Thursday was our Halloween party at work. I managed to stay away from the buckets of candy but still wanted to participate in the decorating contest.  My team thought we’d show off our artistic side by hanging a garbage bag from the ceiling, coloring a ghost face on it, and taping some plastic insects to the body. Shockingly, we didn’t win.

That Friday we went to go see “Paranormal Activity 3″ before heading to my girlfriend’s for a little Halloween get together/sleepover. Yes, 25 year-olds still have sleepovers… Ghost stories and tickle fights in our underwear all night.  After having my butt cheeks clenched from fear for the duration of “PA3″, I was looking forward to a relaxing night with friends. We decided to stop and get some snacks to bring on the way and I ended up eating half the bag of salt and vinegar chips before we even got there. It always makes you look like a good party guest when you hand the host a half-eaten bag of chips. I posted up next to the food bowls for like the first half hour I was there… and then fell asleep shortly after. After I woke up in the morning, I went ahead and polished off all the left over snacks that were still in bowls on the counter. I felt disgusting, especially because I was running late and had to go straight to pilates without brushing my teeth.

While Everyone went out to the bars in costume that Saturday, I stayed in and ate Thai food while watching 6 hours of “Breaking Bad”.

I finished my weekend with a seven mile run and a delicious meal of roasted vegetables and quinoa.

This past Saturday I woke up early to get in a good cardio session before I went to pilates at 11:15. My instructor made us do this move called “The Clam” and, despite what I thought given the name, it made my ass sore and not my vagina.

That night I met up with some friends to watch football around 5. I decided I was drunk,  hungry, and wanted to be in sweatpants around 7:30 so I stumbled to the Thai place across the street from my apartment and ordered a family sized meal. I’m talking like 6 boxes of food. I managed to polish off the spring rolls in the 2 block walk back to my apartment and then finished off the rest once I got on my couch. I probably looked like Jabba the Hutt going to town on that shit.

That Sunday wasn’t much better. I was nursing a hangover and desperately needed to go grocery shopping. Since I didn’t feel like I should be seen in public, I decided to work with what I had. Let’s just say I ate a lot of mustard sandwiches that day in between watching shitty movies like “Enough” starring Jennifer Lopez.

MAX Story of the Week: So this wasn’t on the MAX but at the bus stop, I saw two blind people making out… canes in hand. Think they told each other they were super models?

Vegan Reason: Dairy cows are considered the most cruelly treated animals in factory farms. They are kept constantly pregnant, and their male calves, considered byproducts, are put to death almost instantly.

Two weekends ago I went down to California for my brother’s annual tailgate for the Michigan/Michigan State game. I about jizzed my pants when I walked in the door and my family immediately noticed that I had lost weight and toned up. I know I sound like a pilates salesman, but you guys have to try the reformer. I even convinced my mom to try it and now she’s hooked too.

Anyway, back to the tailgate: After watching my Spartans kick some Wolverine ass, I proceeded to stuff my face with grilled veggies and nacho dip. Thinking I had a solid base of food to soak up the alcohol, I dove into my first vodka soda. Before you know it, I was wasted smoking a cigarette and singing “Cruella Deville” to my brother. As my sister-in-law was putting me to bed, apparently I told her I’d sleep a little bit but then “I’m coming back, and when I do, I’m bringing my labia!” Seeing as how my vagina goes with me everywhere, I really don’t know what that meant.

Obviously, I woke up feeling like death. To make it worse, I was sleeping on the floor at the foot of my brothers bed… like a dog. After two good vomits, a couple cups of tea, and Tylenol, I was back in action and ready to scarf down a huge sub sandwich. I was exhausted by the time we made it back to my other brother’s house that night but made sure I stayed awake for the Chinese food that was on its way. I scarfed down two plates  and then feel asleep sitting up in a chair.

My flight out was the next morning and I arrived at the airport with enough time to shove a huge burrito in my face and eat an entire bag of Twizzlers.

This past weekend I had a half marathon on Sunday, so I had to abstain from alcohol for our game against Wisconsin… Which proved to be really difficult because that game was one of the most epic things I’ve ever seen. I ordered the hummus plate when I got there and about half way through some douche from the table next to us leaned over and said “wow, you really like hummus.” LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING!

After the game ended around 8:30, I excused myself and went straight to the Thai place across the street from my apartment. I told myself it was necessary to carbo load for the big race the next day. I think I ate my Pad Thai in like 5 minutes flat.

I was absolutely dreading this half marathon because I hadn’t trained for it all… and also a little because it was Halloween themed and I would be running in a troll doll costume. Anyway, I ended up getting there 10 minutes late because of the MAX and had to run the opposite way of the runners to activate my time chip and then turn right back around and start the course. I ended up finishing in 2:14 and had a pretty easy time running 13.1 miles. So, no complaints.

Once again, I was swimming at the gym last night and someone asked me if I had injured my back. I must look like a complete degenerate in the pool.

Side note: I burned a huge chunk of my hair off with my blow dryer this morning.

Vegan Reason: As egg laying hens produce tons of manure each week and are kept inside for more than a year (18-20 months) new ways of confinement where created as the wire-mesh cages. More hens die (because of higher crowding) but the higher production of eggs (chickens are less expensive than space) outweigh the disadvantages. In nature chickens can live as long as fifteen to twenty years but in the modern egg factory hens only have a lifespan of around a year and a half. After this their ability to lay eggs is so low that it becomes unprofitable to house and feed them, so they are made into soup and other processed foods. To keep egg-laying production economic hens undergo a process called forced molting (food is withheld for up to 14 days so the egg-laying cycle begins again). These chickens are often kept in wire cages so small that their feet begin to grow around the wire. Their beaks are also cut off to prevent them from pecking at other animals.


I’ve discovered that I’m incapable of walking into a Safeway without stealing from the bulk aisle and buying a roll of veggie sushi.

Last week my company celebrated Oktoberfest by providing copious amounts of food and beer. One of the cooks, who looks like an ex-con, had harassed me earlier in the day that I “better eat some fucking cake, or else!” I took him seriously because this dude looks like a  serial killer. Come to find out his specialties are pastries. I think there’s a lesson here: never judge a book by it’s cover? Anyway, I ended up eating my weight in zucchini fritters and pretzels and then had to serve beer. All of this was in between picking frosting off the cakes that were out for everyone to enjoy.

On Thursday I was swimming at the gym and heard a guy say to another man sitting in the hot tub “This is the best kept secret in Portland!” Really asshole? You think a shitty hot tub in a hole-in-the-wall gym is the best kept secret in Portland? Get out more, brah. That same night a guy walked up to me and asked if I was rehabilitating an injury because of the way I was swimming. “It looks like you’re struggling.” It was really embarrassing.

On Friday I got off the MAX to do some shopping and a homeless man asked how tall I was. After replied that I was 5’9”, his response was “Damn girl, you want to be in my magazine?”. What the fuck magazine would that be, “Hobo Monthly”?!

I got a “anti-aging laser rejuvenation” facial that I had a groupon for on Saturday morning.  I do not recommend this, as it felt like someone was tattooing my entire face for half an hour. After the treatment was over,  she told me I’d need to come back for 6 more visits to see a huge difference. Bitch, are you crazy? I think acid in my face would feel better than another session of that bullshit. Based on how it felt, I thought my face was going to be a giant scab but it ended up being fine.

I went shopping that afternoon and bought some new pants. Guess who’s got two thumbs and is down a pant size? Booyaaaa! I’d like to thank the pilates reformer classes and the binge drinking that makes eating impossible on Sundays.

That evening I met up with old high school friends for drinks. They ordered some bruschetta and after I was eyeballing it for 10 minutes, they offered me some. I got so excited, I ended up dumping the toppings all over me and getting oil stains all over my new clothes. I need to wear a bib.

Crazy MAX Story of the Week: I saw a guy do an entire line of cocaine sitting right across from me. I guess when you need it, you need it.

Vegan reason: Plant-based diets only require around one third of the land and water needed to produce a typical Western diet. Farmed animals consume much more protein, water and calories than they produce, so far greater quantities of crops and water are needed to produce animal ‘products’ to feed humans than are needed to feed people direct on a plant-based diet. With water and land becoming scarcer globally, world hunger increasing and the planet’s population rising, it is much more sustainable to eat plant foods direct than use up precious resources feeding farmed animals.



Last Wednesday, a friend gave me an extra ticket to the Timbers soccer game. One of the dudes next to us offered us his flask asking “Would you like to meet my friend Jack?”. We politely declined but ended up going out with them to the bar across the street from the stadium afterward. The same gentlemen with the flask was now fairly intoxicated and had lost his wallet, so I’m not sure how he paid for the chicken wings he was shoving in his face. After starring at me for awhile, he then burped and blew it in my face and followed it up with “We’re meant to be together.” After declining his offer of a make out session, I finished my soda water and went home.

That Saturday was a rough one. I managed to hold off drinking for the Michigan State game in the morning, and went home and got a run in before meeting back up with the group at the bar. We went to a restaurant where one of the girls I was with knew the bartender, which proved to be the beginning of my demise. He was giving us free shots and drinks… so I was half in the bag by the time we left to go back to the Sports bar for the Duck game. I only remember ordering 2 vodka sodas, but I’m told this lead to me taking a bite of stranger’s quesadilla before yelling “Fuck the Ducks” in a bar FULL of duck fans. I woke up in my bed the next morning and there were pieces of hay and crumpled leaves everywhere from the walk home. I was so sick all day Sunday that I didn’t eat anything all day. On the bright side I felt really skinny Monday morning. I also had to return to the bar Monday night to retrieve the debit card I had left there when I forgot to close out my tab. I’m an asshole.

Thursday a coworker brought in a giant cookie and some cupcakes and put it in the conference room. A fucking giant cookie! My powers were helpless against it and I made at least 4 trips in there to shave off a little more cookie each time.

Friday I went to see “Contagion” with a friend. We went and got veggie burritos beforehand, meaning I wasn’t even hungry when I ordered two gallon tub of popcorn… and ate the ENTIRE fucking thing. The worst part was they gave me a tiny cup of water so I was so thirsty through out the entire movie but just kept eating anyway. My friend was both astonished and disgusted when he saw the empty tub and the end of the movie.

Saturday was another day of football and drinking.  I ended my night at the Thai place across from my building shoving my face with pad thai and falling asleep at like 6 PM.

Sunday morning was the low point of the week. I ate two sweet potatoes, a veggie sushi roll, salad,  chow mein, and an ENTIRE bag of english muffins with earth balance butter. All while never leaving my couch. Horrible.

How bout them Spartans and Detroit sports, eh?


Last Tuesday, I was cleaning my apartment for my Uncles visit and wondered what the hell the smell coming out of the vacuum was. I opened up the container and saw the culprit. (If you have a weak stomach, stop reading here. Mom, just stop reading this blog.) Like a month ago I got puke on my bathroom floor (missed the toilet) and tried to vacuum it up in the morning. I didn’t rinse it out so now the puke was sitting at the bottom of the container covered in mold. It. Was. Fucking. Gross. I had to clean that shit out with my bare hands, too. Yet another rock bottom moment.

Saturday my friend and I went to the bar at noon to watch the Michigan State game. We started off at the “Alumni Bar” in Portland, which turned out to be all  people in their 40’s who didn’t appreciate my excessive use of the word “fuck”. Our friend picked us up at half time and took us to a bar where my profanities were better accepted, which was good because we ended up sucking nut against Notre Dame.

We met a group of guys and ended up going back to their apartment after the game for an impromptu dance party. I should clarify, I wasn’t exactly blacked out at this point, but was definitely grayed out. At some point during the evening, I decided I had had enough and needed to get the eff out of there. I ended up walking to a random bar, ordering water, drunk dialing a few people, and ultimately ended my night the best way possible: knee deep in a sandwich and chips from my neighborhood deli.

I didn’t have a hangover Sunday for once in my life. Turns out, if you just chug the shit out of water in between vodka sodas, life isn’t a living hell the next day. This didn’t stop me from not contributing anything to society and practically getting bed sores from not moving off my couch. I ate an entire leftover pot of soup, then it was like “No Carb Left Behind”. Any bread or cracker within a mile radius was in my belly.

Monday I wore a low cut dress to work and also got free curly fries from the chef in the cafeteria. Coincidence? I think not.

On my run home from pilates that night, a hobo with a cardboard sign begging for money told me I was gorgeous and asked for my phone number. First off, that makes no fucking sense. If you’re begging for money, how the hell are you going to pay a cell phone bill? Second, my standards aren’t that high, but come on.

Last night I went grocery shopping and they had Thai curry cashews in the bulk aisle. Because I’m no more than a common thief, I filled up a bag and did my usual “snack and shop”. When I got home, I had 3 slices of bread and an ENTIRE TUB OF HUMMUS. Just the fact that it only took me 3 pieces of bread should show you the ridiculous portions I pile on a single slice.

MAX story of the week: An obese man got on the MAX, sat down, smelled his own fingers,  gagged, then tried to wipe them off on the seats around him. I feel bad for anyone that sat in those seats after him.

Vegan Reason of the week: “Researchers at Harvard, Yale, Penn State, and the National Institute of Health have studies the effects of dairy intake on bones. Not one of these studies found dairy to be a deterrent to osteoporosis. On the contrary, a study funded by the National Dairy Council itself revealed that the high protein content of dairy actually leaches calcium from the body. After looking at thirty-four published studies in sixteen countries with the highest rates of osteoporosis – including United States, Sweden, and Finland – were those in which people consumed the most meat, milk, and other animal foods. In fact, in the forty tribes in Kenya and Tanzania, only one – The Maasai – have members suffering from osteoporosis. The Maasai, as it happens, are a cattle-owning, milk-drinking tribe.” (Freedman, Barnouin)

I guess I should start with two Friday’s ago, when I tried to go running and was mistaken for a Hood to Coast participant.  It took me awhile to put together what was going on. At first,  I just thought it was really cool and bizarre people were cheering for me as I ran by. I thought I was just running extra awesome that day.

That Saturday was packed full of activity. I had soccer, pilates, and then went tubing on the Willamette. I didn’t drink but my girlfriend did. She weighs about 90 pounds and was intoxicated off of three Mike’s Harder Lemonades. Yes, they were called “Harder”. Just when you thought Mike’s couldn’t get any tougher…

Never one to turn down a food challenge, I did the “Fire Ball Challenge” at Salvador Molly’s, which you may have seen on Man vs. Food. Is anyone else waiting for Adam Richman to have a heart attack? Anyway, I had seen my friend do the challenge before and I’m pretty sure he shit fire… for like two days.  So I only ordered one ball which I actually thought was pretty tasty and my mouth only mildly tasted like burning.

Later we went to a bowling alley/arcade out in Beaverton. After hanging out with sweaty, pimply teenagers for far too long, we decided to cash in our tickets. I decided to go for the fake mustache. I was trying it on for a few laughs and one of the hairs flew into my mouth and got caught in my throat. I spent the next five minutes choking on the mustache hair and had to go up to the bar (still wearing the mustache) and ask for water.  I don’t have a picture from that night, but it looked something like this:

Oddly enough, I’ve been in a bowling alley with a mustache before.

Wednesday I walked into our cafeteria to refill my water and a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt, that I’ve never spoken to in my life, walked up to me and said “I’ve always loved your golden tan skin.” What the hell? I laughed nervously and got the fuck out of there.

That night I ate a salad for dinner, but was still hungry so I ate a pickle.. or five. Then I may or may not have drank the left over juice. Do I disgust you yet?

Last Friday I skipped the gym and went out to dinner with girlfriends. I wasn’t going to drink buuuuuut that only lasted about half-way into dinner when I was reading the cocktail list and went from six to midnight. I ended up at a Karaoke bar and really turned into a weirdo when  guy asked me to smell his cologne… and I smelled his armpit. He bolted. I guess some people have “boundary issues” or some shit.

I had to excuse myself during my facial the next morning and go puke in the bathroom. Then picked up a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips on the way home and ate the whole thing.

Saturday night I went to Oktoberfest with some friends. A table of men started talking to me and asked me where I worked. I told them and then threw the question back at them. The first guy said he worked at Outback Steakhouse and then I was wondering why the rest of them were nodding. Turns out, they ALL worked at Outback. If I were in the market for a Bloomin’ Onion, I might have been more excited about the table of men hitting on me.

Sunday was the worst hangover of my life and it lasted into Monday. That fucking medication I’m on is ruining my life. Is it a bad sign that I can’t put the blame on alcohol? Yes.

Good news, creeps! I’m losing weight again. Turns out running in the mornings before work, pilates, soccer, and eating right makes a difference. I was 166.5 this week. Booyaaaaa! Sixteen more pounds and I’ll be back to my high school weight. Maybe I can fit into those sweet lace up jeans I used to wear too.

I’m going to start giving you a “Vegan Reason” every week:

“Half of all the antibiotics made in the US each year are administered to farm animals, causing antibiotic resistance in the humans who eat them. A study at the University of California-Berkeley linked eating beef to urinary tract infections in women. It just so happens that the most common infectious disease in women is UTIs. You do that math.” (Freedman, Barnouin)