Monday, December 5, 2011

I’m sorry it’s been awhile since my last post, but how about you shut up and stop complaining.

I spent Thanksgiving in California with my brothers and it’s safe to say I spent the entire 5 days in an elastic waistband being uncomfortably full. My breathing was usually shallow by like 3pm most days because I’d already eaten more cheese (yeah, I cheated) and carbohydrates than any human should.

I volunteered to cook all the sides and my brother was in charge of the turkey.  I managed to make everything vegan and escaped with minimal burns. The food was delicious and after 2 plates, I turned into a beached whale on the couch.  My only form of communication for the next 30 minutes was occasional groans and pointing. Despite being on the verge of puking, the thought of missing out on pumpkin pie was more painful to me than the stomach ache it would cause.  Naturally, I decided to shove pie in my pie hole and then fell asleep on the couch 10 minutes later.

My sister-in-law convinced me to take a hot yoga/sculpt class the day I flew in. I was excited to try it, especially since I had just finished a healthy snack of stale croutons dipped in balsamic vinegar (they hadn’t gone shopping in awhile).  I probably would have gotten more out of the class, but we both had the church giggles and couldn’t stop laughing… especially when I tried to do a push up. Turns out,  I can’t even do one fucking push up. ONE! It looks more like a walrus sitting up.

This past weekend was our annual Holiday party. After last year’s fiasco, I set a few goals for myself:

1. Not black out BEFORE I even get to the party.

2. Not hang out by the buffet all night stuffing my face.

3. Stay longer than an hour.

4. Not pass out on the shuttle home.

I met all of my goals, but created a whole new set of problems for myself, which is always good at a work function. My demise started when I slipped in a puddle of beer that *I* had spilled 5 minutes prior. Then, I turtle backed on the dance floor while trying to grab a co-worker’s boob. Both classy and professional. The real kicker was when I took my shoes off outside, tripped on the sidewalk, stubbed my toe, and then dragged blood all over the ballroom floor. It honestly looked like someone died. I think I clearly demonstrated that I’m management material.

My friends graciously took me home in a cab and put me to bed. I woke up in the morning and some how had soy sauce all over my sheets…don’t bother asking, because I can’t explain. Cleaning that up really made my hangover fun.


MAX Story of the Week: A small Asian boy was practicing some sort of burlesque moves in the reflection of the door… and getting in EVERYONE’S way.

Vegan Reason: The over-fishing of our oceans has led to a dangerously dramatic decline in wildlife. For every ten tuna, sharks, and other large predatory fish that were in our oceans fifty to a hundred years ago, only one is left.

Leave a Reply