Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Remember when you were a kid and if you put a plastic bag anywhere near your face your mom would scream “NEVER put a plastic bag over your head!”… She was obvioulsy worried that you’d suffocate. In order for this scenario to ACTUALLY happen you would:

1. Have to have some sort of T-rex arms that are not capable of pulling the bag off your head.

2. Be the dumbest fucking kid on the planet to not be able to find your way out of a plastic bag.

Sorry to start out off topic, but I was thinking about it earlier… when I had a plastic bag on my head.

Monday night I got back from the gym and went to town on a bag of almonds. Because I was too lazy to walk 4 feet to the kitchen, I literally had to throw them in there from the couch in order to get myself to stop eating.

I also found a place that serves vegan frozen yogurt that night, which has bad news and thunder thighs written all over it.

I’m usually the only one on the stair master when I go to the gym, so this means I get to have my trashy reality TV fix since I don’t have cable.  On Tuesday night, I grabbed the remote from the front desk, like always do, and channel surfed until I found something suitable, which happened to be reruns of  “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”. RIGHT after I changed it, I heard “OH, WHAT THE FUCK?!” from behind the pillar. Turns out an old man had been there the whole time, I just didn’t see him. He made me change it back to the ESPN and scolded me for having horrible taste.

We had our managers in town on Thursday, which meant a team outing and heavy drinking. We wound up at Shanghai Tunnel and then Thirsty Lion. Turns out, my manager loves to drink and was ordering everyone tequila shots in between my micro brews. The night ended with everyone giving sappy toasts about why we love our team. Not a dry eye in the place… except for the entire wait staff that was probably really fucking annoyed with our entire party.

That. Friday. was. awful. There is nothing worse than working with a hangover. I was half tempted to just crawl under my desk and call it a day but I settled for taking like 6 cat naps on top of my desk instead. That night I fell asleep at 9 pm and woke up at 9 am. It was glorious.

The guy that works at the tanner has been asking me out for weeks and I’ve been able to dodge around it every time. Think of The Situation from “Jersey Shore”, only taller and blond… meaning not my type at all. He also owns a little Pomeranian that runs around, which makes him even less attractive since he can’t even handle a real dog. Anyway, half way through me pretending to listen to him about his “modeling gigs” he said he wanted to show my something cool on his phone… which turned out just to be shirtless pictures of him flexing in the mirror. Really asshole? Does this actually work on girls?

Also, before you judge me for going to the tanner, I live in the gray epicenter of the US. My face may look like an old catcher’s mitt, but at least I’m not totally depressed from lack of Vitamin D.

That Saturday was another holiday party hosted by one of my coworkers. We pre-drank at my friend’s apartment but she didn’t have any mixers… which means I drank orange vodka with water…I hear that’s what Johnny Depp drinks. We made our way to the party, where I drank a 6 pack of Widmer and mingled for a bit then we headed to Blitz downtown. Leaving there and trying horrible pick up lines on my friend’s old college buddy turned out to be the last thing I remember. Were it not for the stamp on my wrist, I would have had no idea we went to Gypsy that night. Turns out I’m an asshole and my friends had to drive me home… where I took a huge spill getting out of the car and have a large bruise on my ass to prove it. Luckily, they left me a survival kit consisting of a pile of Cheez -its and Gatorade to wake up to in the morning:


I consumed both of them immediately after I woke up.

I’m happy to report that I fit into my high school jeans without a muffin top. Sexy, eh?

Shameless plug: Check out my sister-in-law’s Etsy store. She’s amazingly talented and has some awesome pieces:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/OneStringAttached?ref=ss_profile

MAX Story of the Week: A hugely obese man that sounded like Foghorn Leghorn was talking to his friend that was hacking up a lung next to me about what they were going to tell their Parole Officers about “keeping their noses clean”.

Vegan Reason: The health benefits of a vegetarian and vegan lifestyle are vast. The American Dietetic Association (or ADA) released a report which stated that vegetarians and vegans “meet and exceed requirements” for protein consumption. In fact, vegetarians and vegans usually have better protein consumption than people who eat meat, dairy and eggs.

One Comment

  1. gresh says:

    So many questions here…but most importantly, why would you ever put a plastic bag on your head? thank goodness you’re still with us.

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