Christmas Cookie Coma

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Am I the only one that secretly hopes Guy Fieri would crash that stupid convertible at the beginning of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives”? He’s just so smug with his bleached hair, backward sunglasses, and stupid goatee.

Last Tuesday I was walking to the gym and a guy approached me and said “Man, you’re hella pretty.” I was feeling really good until I looked up and noticed he was cross-eyed… I’m not even sure he really saw me. Once I got there, I was on the StairMaster and an old man with moobs (male breasts) and pit stains told me not to stare at his ass while he bent down to get a drink from the drinking fountain. I laughed and then almost threw up.

On Saturday we went to see the Nutcracker. It was my first time seeing it and I was not prepared for the amount of small children at the show. I enjoyed the ballet but did not enjoy the little girl blowing snot out of her nose 3 inches from my face and the rustle of plastic bags from the snacks they all brought from home. Maybe I’m turning into a Scrooge.

That night we wound up at a bar and sat next to a table of older gentlemen. They struck up a conversation with us and after a couple minutes of small talk, one of the girls at the table looked at me and yelled “THAT’S MY DAD” and then his wife stormed off. I had no clue what was happening, but 2 minutes later two of the dads were on the ground leg wrestling… Maybe for my honor? Who knows.

On Sunday I made a huge batch of Vegan Minestrone with Soyrizo. If you haven’t tried Soyrizo, you should. It’s the tits as far as meat substitutes go.

I ate like 6 bowls of the Minestrone but was still craving something salty and greasy… specifically salt and vinegar chips. I was trying to fight off the craving all day but eventually caved and ran to Safeway around 7:30. I ended up eating THE ENTIRE BAG. I was a greasy, thirsty, sweaty ball of shame on my couch.

On Monday I sat on my couch and ate spoonfuls of Frank’s hot sauce. I’m not proud, but it IS calorie free.

After my binging episode on Sunday, I was trying to be good all week, which I was until yesterday. We had a Christmas cookie exchange at work at I ended up eating somewhere close to 30 cookies. As if that wasn’t enough, my spiral of shame continued when I got home and ate 5 pieces of pizza and drank 3 bottles of beer. Considering I’ll probably be eating pretty unhealthy while I’m on vacation this next week,  it looks like I’ll be about 20 pounds heavier come 2012. Woof.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday full of family, friends, food, and fun. Also, keep the change, ya filthy animals.

Vegan Reason: Currently, a third of the land on our planet is used to raise farm animals. One large factory farm can create as much waste as the entire city of Los Angeles.

One Comment

  1. David says:

    That’s my dad!!! Haha!!!

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