Archive for December 2011

Am I the only one that secretly hopes Guy Fieri would crash that stupid convertible at the beginning of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives”? He’s just so smug with his bleached hair, backward sunglasses, and stupid goatee.

Last Tuesday I was walking to the gym and a guy approached me and said “Man, you’re hella pretty.” I was feeling really good until I looked up and noticed he was cross-eyed… I’m not even sure he really saw me. Once I got there, I was on the StairMaster and an old man with moobs (male breasts) and pit stains told me not to stare at his ass while he bent down to get a drink from the drinking fountain. I laughed and then almost threw up.

On Saturday we went to see the Nutcracker. It was my first time seeing it and I was not prepared for the amount of small children at the show. I enjoyed the ballet but did not enjoy the little girl blowing snot out of her nose 3 inches from my face and the rustle of plastic bags from the snacks they all brought from home. Maybe I’m turning into a Scrooge.

That night we wound up at a bar and sat next to a table of older gentlemen. They struck up a conversation with us and after a couple minutes of small talk, one of the girls at the table looked at me and yelled “THAT’S MY DAD” and then his wife stormed off. I had no clue what was happening, but 2 minutes later two of the dads were on the ground leg wrestling… Maybe for my honor? Who knows.

On Sunday I made a huge batch of Vegan Minestrone with Soyrizo. If you haven’t tried Soyrizo, you should. It’s the tits as far as meat substitutes go.

I ate like 6 bowls of the Minestrone but was still craving something salty and greasy… specifically salt and vinegar chips. I was trying to fight off the craving all day but eventually caved and ran to Safeway around 7:30. I ended up eating THE ENTIRE BAG. I was a greasy, thirsty, sweaty ball of shame on my couch.

On Monday I sat on my couch and ate spoonfuls of Frank’s hot sauce. I’m not proud, but it IS calorie free.

After my binging episode on Sunday, I was trying to be good all week, which I was until yesterday. We had a Christmas cookie exchange at work at I ended up eating somewhere close to 30 cookies. As if that wasn’t enough, my spiral of shame continued when I got home and ate 5 pieces of pizza and drank 3 bottles of beer. Considering I’ll probably be eating pretty unhealthy while I’m on vacation this next week,  it looks like I’ll be about 20 pounds heavier come 2012. Woof.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday full of family, friends, food, and fun. Also, keep the change, ya filthy animals.

Vegan Reason: Currently, a third of the land on our planet is used to raise farm animals. One large factory farm can create as much waste as the entire city of Los Angeles.

Remember when you were a kid and if you put a plastic bag anywhere near your face your mom would scream “NEVER put a plastic bag over your head!”… She was obvioulsy worried that you’d suffocate. In order for this scenario to ACTUALLY happen you would:

1. Have to have some sort of T-rex arms that are not capable of pulling the bag off your head.

2. Be the dumbest fucking kid on the planet to not be able to find your way out of a plastic bag.

Sorry to start out off topic, but I was thinking about it earlier… when I had a plastic bag on my head.

Monday night I got back from the gym and went to town on a bag of almonds. Because I was too lazy to walk 4 feet to the kitchen, I literally had to throw them in there from the couch in order to get myself to stop eating.

I also found a place that serves vegan frozen yogurt that night, which has bad news and thunder thighs written all over it.

I’m usually the only one on the stair master when I go to the gym, so this means I get to have my trashy reality TV fix since I don’t have cable.  On Tuesday night, I grabbed the remote from the front desk, like always do, and channel surfed until I found something suitable, which happened to be reruns of  “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”. RIGHT after I changed it, I heard “OH, WHAT THE FUCK?!” from behind the pillar. Turns out an old man had been there the whole time, I just didn’t see him. He made me change it back to the ESPN and scolded me for having horrible taste.

We had our managers in town on Thursday, which meant a team outing and heavy drinking. We wound up at Shanghai Tunnel and then Thirsty Lion. Turns out, my manager loves to drink and was ordering everyone tequila shots in between my micro brews. The night ended with everyone giving sappy toasts about why we love our team. Not a dry eye in the place… except for the entire wait staff that was probably really fucking annoyed with our entire party.

That. Friday. was. awful. There is nothing worse than working with a hangover. I was half tempted to just crawl under my desk and call it a day but I settled for taking like 6 cat naps on top of my desk instead. That night I fell asleep at 9 pm and woke up at 9 am. It was glorious.

The guy that works at the tanner has been asking me out for weeks and I’ve been able to dodge around it every time. Think of The Situation from “Jersey Shore”, only taller and blond… meaning not my type at all. He also owns a little Pomeranian that runs around, which makes him even less attractive since he can’t even handle a real dog. Anyway, half way through me pretending to listen to him about his “modeling gigs” he said he wanted to show my something cool on his phone… which turned out just to be shirtless pictures of him flexing in the mirror. Really asshole? Does this actually work on girls?

Also, before you judge me for going to the tanner, I live in the gray epicenter of the US. My face may look like an old catcher’s mitt, but at least I’m not totally depressed from lack of Vitamin D.

That Saturday was another holiday party hosted by one of my coworkers. We pre-drank at my friend’s apartment but she didn’t have any mixers… which means I drank orange vodka with water…I hear that’s what Johnny Depp drinks. We made our way to the party, where I drank a 6 pack of Widmer and mingled for a bit then we headed to Blitz downtown. Leaving there and trying horrible pick up lines on my friend’s old college buddy turned out to be the last thing I remember. Were it not for the stamp on my wrist, I would have had no idea we went to Gypsy that night. Turns out I’m an asshole and my friends had to drive me home… where I took a huge spill getting out of the car and have a large bruise on my ass to prove it. Luckily, they left me a survival kit consisting of a pile of Cheez -its and Gatorade to wake up to in the morning:


I consumed both of them immediately after I woke up.

I’m happy to report that I fit into my high school jeans without a muffin top. Sexy, eh?

Shameless plug: Check out my sister-in-law’s Etsy store. She’s amazingly talented and has some awesome pieces:

MAX Story of the Week: A hugely obese man that sounded like Foghorn Leghorn was talking to his friend that was hacking up a lung next to me about what they were going to tell their Parole Officers about “keeping their noses clean”.

Vegan Reason: The health benefits of a vegetarian and vegan lifestyle are vast. The American Dietetic Association (or ADA) released a report which stated that vegetarians and vegans “meet and exceed requirements” for protein consumption. In fact, vegetarians and vegans usually have better protein consumption than people who eat meat, dairy and eggs.

I’m sorry it’s been awhile since my last post, but how about you shut up and stop complaining.

I spent Thanksgiving in California with my brothers and it’s safe to say I spent the entire 5 days in an elastic waistband being uncomfortably full. My breathing was usually shallow by like 3pm most days because I’d already eaten more cheese (yeah, I cheated) and carbohydrates than any human should.

I volunteered to cook all the sides and my brother was in charge of the turkey.  I managed to make everything vegan and escaped with minimal burns. The food was delicious and after 2 plates, I turned into a beached whale on the couch.  My only form of communication for the next 30 minutes was occasional groans and pointing. Despite being on the verge of puking, the thought of missing out on pumpkin pie was more painful to me than the stomach ache it would cause.  Naturally, I decided to shove pie in my pie hole and then fell asleep on the couch 10 minutes later.

My sister-in-law convinced me to take a hot yoga/sculpt class the day I flew in. I was excited to try it, especially since I had just finished a healthy snack of stale croutons dipped in balsamic vinegar (they hadn’t gone shopping in awhile).  I probably would have gotten more out of the class, but we both had the church giggles and couldn’t stop laughing… especially when I tried to do a push up. Turns out,  I can’t even do one fucking push up. ONE! It looks more like a walrus sitting up.

This past weekend was our annual Holiday party. After last year’s fiasco, I set a few goals for myself:

1. Not black out BEFORE I even get to the party.

2. Not hang out by the buffet all night stuffing my face.

3. Stay longer than an hour.

4. Not pass out on the shuttle home.

I met all of my goals, but created a whole new set of problems for myself, which is always good at a work function. My demise started when I slipped in a puddle of beer that *I* had spilled 5 minutes prior. Then, I turtle backed on the dance floor while trying to grab a co-worker’s boob. Both classy and professional. The real kicker was when I took my shoes off outside, tripped on the sidewalk, stubbed my toe, and then dragged blood all over the ballroom floor. It honestly looked like someone died. I think I clearly demonstrated that I’m management material.

My friends graciously took me home in a cab and put me to bed. I woke up in the morning and some how had soy sauce all over my sheets…don’t bother asking, because I can’t explain. Cleaning that up really made my hangover fun.


MAX Story of the Week: A small Asian boy was practicing some sort of burlesque moves in the reflection of the door… and getting in EVERYONE’S way.

Vegan Reason: The over-fishing of our oceans has led to a dangerously dramatic decline in wildlife. For every ten tuna, sharks, and other large predatory fish that were in our oceans fifty to a hundred years ago, only one is left.