Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I’ve discovered that I’m incapable of walking into a Safeway without stealing from the bulk aisle and buying a roll of veggie sushi.

Last week my company celebrated Oktoberfest by providing copious amounts of food and beer. One of the cooks, who looks like an ex-con, had harassed me earlier in the day that I “better eat some fucking cake, or else!” I took him seriously because this dude looks like a  serial killer. Come to find out his specialties are pastries. I think there’s a lesson here: never judge a book by it’s cover? Anyway, I ended up eating my weight in zucchini fritters and pretzels and then had to serve beer. All of this was in between picking frosting off the cakes that were out for everyone to enjoy.

On Thursday I was swimming at the gym and heard a guy say to another man sitting in the hot tub “This is the best kept secret in Portland!” Really asshole? You think a shitty hot tub in a hole-in-the-wall gym is the best kept secret in Portland? Get out more, brah. That same night a guy walked up to me and asked if I was rehabilitating an injury because of the way I was swimming. “It looks like you’re struggling.” It was really embarrassing.

On Friday I got off the MAX to do some shopping and a homeless man asked how tall I was. After replied that I was 5’9”, his response was “Damn girl, you want to be in my magazine?”. What the fuck magazine would that be, “Hobo Monthly”?!

I got a “anti-aging laser rejuvenation” facial that I had a groupon for on Saturday morning.  I do not recommend this, as it felt like someone was tattooing my entire face for half an hour. After the treatment was over,  she told me I’d need to come back for 6 more visits to see a huge difference. Bitch, are you crazy? I think acid in my face would feel better than another session of that bullshit. Based on how it felt, I thought my face was going to be a giant scab but it ended up being fine.

I went shopping that afternoon and bought some new pants. Guess who’s got two thumbs and is down a pant size? Booyaaaa! I’d like to thank the pilates reformer classes and the binge drinking that makes eating impossible on Sundays.

That evening I met up with old high school friends for drinks. They ordered some bruschetta and after I was eyeballing it for 10 minutes, they offered me some. I got so excited, I ended up dumping the toppings all over me and getting oil stains all over my new clothes. I need to wear a bib.

Crazy MAX Story of the Week: I saw a guy do an entire line of cocaine sitting right across from me. I guess when you need it, you need it.

Vegan reason: Plant-based diets only require around one third of the land and water needed to produce a typical Western diet. Farmed animals consume much more protein, water and calories than they produce, so far greater quantities of crops and water are needed to produce animal ‘products’ to feed humans than are needed to feed people direct on a plant-based diet. With water and land becoming scarcer globally, world hunger increasing and the planet’s population rising, it is much more sustainable to eat plant foods direct than use up precious resources feeding farmed animals.




  1. Brig says:

    I like that you pointed out that it was an ENTIRE line. If he had only gone halfway, well, that’s far less notable.

    1. bond says:

      how do you know it was coke? maybe it was powdered sugar, or flour. ha! probably oxy though since portland is opiate capital of america.

  2. I ate an entire box of fruitty pebbles last night and thought of you. Not while I was doing it because that would be creepy, but guiltily after I was done =)

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