Cruella Deville

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Two weekends ago I went down to California for my brother’s annual tailgate for the Michigan/Michigan State game. I about jizzed my pants when I walked in the door and my family immediately noticed that I had lost weight and toned up. I know I sound like a pilates salesman, but you guys have to try the reformer. I even convinced my mom to try it and now she’s hooked too.

Anyway, back to the tailgate: After watching my Spartans kick some Wolverine ass, I proceeded to stuff my face with grilled veggies and nacho dip. Thinking I had a solid base of food to soak up the alcohol, I dove into my first vodka soda. Before you know it, I was wasted smoking a cigarette and singing “Cruella Deville” to my brother. As my sister-in-law was putting me to bed, apparently I told her I’d sleep a little bit but then “I’m coming back, and when I do, I’m bringing my labia!” Seeing as how my vagina goes with me everywhere, I really don’t know what that meant.

Obviously, I woke up feeling like death. To make it worse, I was sleeping on the floor at the foot of my brothers bed… like a dog. After two good vomits, a couple cups of tea, and Tylenol, I was back in action and ready to scarf down a huge sub sandwich. I was exhausted by the time we made it back to my other brother’s house that night but made sure I stayed awake for the Chinese food that was on its way. I scarfed down two platesĀ  and then feel asleep sitting up in a chair.

My flight out was the next morning and I arrived at the airport with enough time to shove a huge burrito in my face and eat an entire bag of Twizzlers.

This past weekend I had a half marathon on Sunday, so I had to abstain from alcohol for our game against Wisconsin… Which proved to be really difficult because that game was one of the most epic things I’ve ever seen. I ordered the hummus plate when I got there and about half way through some douche from the table next to us leaned over and said “wow, you really like hummus.” LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING!

After the game ended around 8:30, I excused myself and went straight to the Thai place across the street from my apartment. I told myself it was necessary to carbo load for the big race the next day. I think I ate my Pad Thai in like 5 minutes flat.

I was absolutely dreading this half marathon because I hadn’t trained for it all… and also a little because it was Halloween themed and I would be running in a troll doll costume. Anyway, I ended up getting there 10 minutes late because of the MAX and had to run the opposite way of the runners to activate my time chip and then turn right back around and start the course. I ended up finishing in 2:14 and had a pretty easy time running 13.1 miles. So, no complaints.

Once again, I was swimming at the gym last night and someone asked me if I had injured my back. I must look like a complete degenerate in the pool.

Side note: I burned a huge chunk of my hair off with my blow dryer this morning.

Vegan Reason: As egg laying hens produce tons of manure each week and are kept inside for more than a year (18-20 months) new ways of confinement where created as the wire-mesh cages. More hens die (because of higher crowding) but the higher production of eggs (chickens are less expensive than space) outweigh the disadvantages. In nature chickens can live as long as fifteen to twenty years but in the modern egg factory hens only have a lifespan of around a year and a half. After this their ability to lay eggs is so low that it becomes unprofitable to house and feed them, so they are made into soup and other processed foods. To keep egg-laying production economic hens undergo a process called forced molting (food is withheld for up to 14 days so the egg-laying cycle begins again). These chickens are often kept in wire cages so small that their feet begin to grow around the wire. Their beaks are also cut off to prevent them from pecking at other animals.



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