Gorilla Juice Head

Friday, August 26, 2011

I finally figured out why I’ve been getting violently ill and ralphing every time I drink. Turns out, the medication I’m on isn’t supposed to be mixed with alcohol. It was like Sophie’s choice deciding which one I needed more, but I went with giving up the booze. Check out my adult decisions!

I didn’t work out Thursday night and came straight home and tried some vegan eggs in my freezer. If you like eating vomit, these “eggs” are for you! I hate to waste food, so I just drowned them in Franks, plugged my nose, and tried to eat it in as few bites as possible. Naturally, I was still hungry,  so I ate an entire bag of salt and vinegar chips and chocolate coconut milk ice cream. I went to bed feeling like a total piece of shit and I got up the next morning to discover chocolate stains all over my dingy t-shirt… I’m still available, gentlemen!

I spent the weekend with my three older brothers and their significant others. I should explain that I come from a long line of binge eaters so it was inevitable that I would be eating copious amounts of food all weekend. I decided to go lax on my vegan diet which resulted in me eating more cheese in two days than the entire state of Wisconsin does in a year. We also polished off a 3 gallon tub of potato salad in a day and half and I tried lobster for the first time. I don’t really get what all the fuss is about, didn’t really lift my skirt.

Sunday morning we went out to our favorite breakfast place and it was serious internal struggle deciding between a bagel or pancake as a side to my Bruschetta salad. I ultimately decided on the bagel, but was eye fucking the shit out of my sister-in-law’s strawberry chocolate chip pancake the whole meal. When she asked me if I wanted the rest, I pounced on that thing like a lion on a gazelle.

I felt pretty disgusting Sunday night when I got home but that didn’t stop me from eating the box of cheez-its that my friend left at my place. It was a little embarrassing to return a half-empty box to him the next day that had been unopened when he left it.

My brother’s girlfriend turned me onto “juicing” while I was down there. No, I’m not a roiding out like Ronnie, just drinking fresh juice for two meals a day. I went out and bought a $90 juicer because I got all excited and am the most impulsive person I know. Turns out, replacing solid meals with liquid isn’t very fun unless it’s a milkshake. I lasted about 2 days and then went back to solids… like a normal human.

I’ve developed a rather expensive exercise habit of pilates on the reformer. It’s $25 a class and AWESOME.   I’d like to think I’m replacing the $50 I spend on alcohol and take out a weekend with 2 classes a week. It looks like a torture device but it’s the tits:

I wore shorts to my first session which ended up being a mistake when my legs were spread eagle and the instructor was trying to stretch me. Whatever, she liked what she saw.

I also went to a spin class on Wednesday and felt like I was in some European dance club. The music. was. awful. The instructor kept talking about the finish line and tailwinds and making the lamest jokes. All the older people in the class thought he was hilarious… I just wanted to kick his spandex encased balls. I left the class feeling 10 pounds lighter and grumpy as hell from hunger.

I’m DETERMINED to lose 20 pounds! To prove how serious I am, I’ll start posting my weight again: 169.8 lbs. Woof.

MAX story of the week:

I got on and noticed a hugely obese woman eating a banana with no hands (think of a dolphin eating a fish). She then pulled out 2 bags of chips and smashed the bags up into crumbs and proceeded to dip her hand into the bags and then suck her fingers… Like some sort of “Fatty Fun Dip”. She washed it all down with a two liter bottle of cherry coke.  The finale came when she pulled a napkin out of the bag, wiped her pits, smelled it, then put it back in the bag. I almost blew chunks on the old lady sitting next to me.  I need to buy a car.


  1. Brig says:

    Well done. If you have to choose a pull quote, I’d go with: “I just wanted to kick his spandex encased balls.”

  2. Hayden says:

    I’m on a course at the moment Where can i buy viagra Lastly, one of the most important lessons we learned is to start small, stay focused,

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