This blog is up to almost 1,000 views a month! I’d like to thank all the unemployed shut-ins that read this. Also, shout out to all my readers outside the US! This blog is a pretty accurate depiction of what’s wrong with our country…
I walked into work and “The Today Show” was on in the lobby. It was talking about a study that showed 48% of men would dump their girlfriend if she got fat. Really guys? You think 48% of women like when you get a spare tire, start balding, and scratch your balls while watching “Sportscenter”? No, but we put up with it and learn to focus on your other good qualities… like fixing things around the house and lifting heavy furniture.
A vegan restaurant opened up across the street from my apartment and, seeing how it’s usually crickets chirping when I walk in there, I’ve already become one of their best costumers. On Tuesday, I went in there and ordered my usual (the curry (extra spicy)) and was feeling especially hungry. Since I had burned about 500 calories at the gym, I thought I’d spring for the spring rolls (see what I did there?). I should mention that these servings are meant to be shared, so the fact that I polished off the entire bowl of curry, rice, and the spring rolls, left the small Asian man that runs the place totally shocked. He kept coming by to fill up my water and saying “big eater,” to which I politely giggled and shoveled more curry into my face.
I went to The Oregon Food and Wine Festival this weekend with a group of friends. The 5 bottles of champagne we drank before proved to be a horrible idea… at least for me. I got there and was irritated at how long the lines were. I solved that problem by drinking as many samples as possible when I finally got to the front a line. The evening ended with me calling myself a cab and waking up face down on my couch the next morning. Both my ankles were swollen because I thought it would really complete my ensemble to wear heels. Instead, I just looked like a complete disaster when I rolled my ankles every few feet trying to walk around the festival. I had also sported fake eyelashes to this thing, so my eyes were glued shut when I woke up and the lashes wound up in the middle of my forehead. Obviously, Sunday was a rough one:
Monday was a total binge shit show. We had a potluck for a friend’s birthday and I went nuts. None of it was vegan but that didn’t stop hurricane Celeste from eating her weight in stuffed jalapenos and cookies. Shit, I even ate Nacho Cheese Doritos… My orange fingers really put my shame on display. I capped off my Monday the only way that made sense: skipping the gym, ordering pizza, and then eating chips.
Crazy Max story of the week: A homeless woman that reeked of BO and urine sat next to me. Upon closer inspection, I realized she was also covered in ants.