Sorry I’ve been neglecting you all. I’ve been traveling and networking (drinking) the past few weeks and haven’t had time to sit down and update all you pathetic losers that read this.
Let’s start with the most exciting news: My favorite deli in all of Portland opened up a location 3 blocks away from my apartment. Four days after they opened I had already been there 6 times. Their vegan sammy is a-ma-zing. My ultimate goal is to be like Norm from “Cheers” when I walk in there:
That, or get a sandwich named after me. I dream big.
Words can’t really do last Friday night justice so I thought I’d include this picture:
That’s sushi, salt and vinegar potato chips, Dr. Kracker, and two candy bars. The only thing not featured in this picture are the two tubs of hummus I ate in one day. It’s amazing I’m still single. The only good thing I can say is that it was all Vegan, but that doesn’t excuse the calories from going straight to my ass.
That Saturday I went to a cook out/miniature golf tournament down at the public dock. There weren’t many vegan options so I decided to drink my dinner instead. This proved to be a horrible choice when I woke up on Sunday with literally the worst headache of my life. I was laying in my underwear on my couch until noon and shotgunning Gatorade and ibuprofen until I was able to somewhat function.
I went to visit my parents over Fourth of July weekend (For my friends that are reading this and are butt-hurt that I didn’t see you while I was there, don’t be. I was only home for 3 days and hadn’t seen my parents in 7 months. Don’t be salty.). I was feeling a little “blah” on Friday night before I left and then hopped on a red eye and was a shell of a human being by the time I landed in Michigan Saturday morning and spent the entire trip sick as a dog. I heard you’re supposed to “feed a cold” so I used that as an excuse to binge eat the entire time I was there. . . I also introduced my mom to coconut milk ice cream mixed with peanut butter (and got her to use self-tanner, but that’s neither here nor there).
On the flight back I was stuck in between two children under the age of three. The little girl across the aisle was screaming the whole time and I’m not afraid to say I wanted to punch a baby. The little boy sitting next to me was adorable until he stole my pumpkin seeds and took a nose dive directly into my breasts…
The week ended on a high note when a homeless man yelled at me: “Damn! You got some fine white girl legs!” Bless his heart.