I’ve declared this month “Dry July”, which means I’ve gone 21 days booze free (with the exception of a banana margarita that was totally worth it). At first, my brain wasn’t sure what to do on the weekends since the most computing it has to do is in the beer aisle at Safeway… I’ve already lost five pounds just from cutting out booze. Could I be turning over a new leaf? Probably not.
Last weekend, my friend and went to try a Lebanese restaurant downtown. The food was delicious and, turns out, the restaurant is a hot spot for men to bring their hookers. I even saw two of them making out. Who knew my groupon included dinner AND a show?
On Friday, I went into the break-room at work to get my usual afternoon snack and found 3 huge sheet cakes with thick frosting on the counter. I tried to discourage my food boner by telling myself it wasn’t vegan. Then I told myself “one little piece won’t hurt anything”… Next thing I knew I had a fist full of cake and heart full of shame.
My mom sent me a food processor my parents no longer use for my kitchen. She also sent me a mock turtleneck from a family reunion 15 years ago… On what occasion would I wear that? Anyway, this thing looks like it’s from 1982 but it. is. awesome. Pretty sure I’ve already made and eaten more guacamole than most Mexicans do in an entire year.
On Monday, I needed to go grocery shopping but that took a backseat to hometown visits on “The Bachelorette”. I didn’t have much to work with so my dinner consisted of bread dipped in Franks Buffalo Sauce. What was for dessert you ask? Bread covered in Agave syrup of course!
I’ve seriously thought about starting another blog devoted to the crazy shit that happens to me on my commute to work titled “Crazy shit that happens to me on the MAX”. If my dating pool were limited to the disgusting men that hit on me on the MAX, I’d be a very popular woman. A skin head with tribal tattoos and his 2 year old daughter trailing him on a leash, thought he could run some game on me by saying “What’s up with you, baby girl? You lookin’ real fine.” Barf. Then, the next morning I sat behind a meth head couple that was drooling all over each other and I’m pretty sure the guy was sleeping with his eyes open…
On a brighter note, I’ve been actually making an effort and dressing up for work. I’ll leave you with this creepy myspace picture. I think the tampon machine really brings out my eyes.
Sorry I’ve been neglecting you all. I’ve been traveling and networking (drinking) the past few weeks and haven’t had time to sit down and update all you pathetic losers that read this.
Let’s start with the most exciting news: My favorite deli in all of Portland opened up a location 3 blocks away from my apartment. Four days after they opened I had already been there 6 times. Their vegan sammy is a-ma-zing. My ultimate goal is to be like Norm from “Cheers” when I walk in there:
That, or get a sandwich named after me. I dream big.
Words can’t really do last Friday night justice so I thought I’d include this picture:
That’s sushi, salt and vinegar potato chips, Dr. Kracker, and two candy bars. The only thing not featured in this picture are the two tubs of hummus I ate in one day. It’s amazing I’m still single. The only good thing I can say is that it was all Vegan, but that doesn’t excuse the calories from going straight to my ass.
That Saturday I went to a cook out/miniature golf tournament down at the public dock. There weren’t many vegan options so I decided to drink my dinner instead. This proved to be a horrible choice when I woke up on Sunday with literally the worst headache of my life. I was laying in my underwear on my couch until noon and shotgunning Gatorade and ibuprofen until I was able to somewhat function.
I went to visit my parents over Fourth of July weekend (For my friends that are reading this and are butt-hurt that I didn’t see you while I was there, don’t be. I was only home for 3 days and hadn’t seen my parents in 7 months. Don’t be salty.). I was feeling a little “blah” on Friday night before I left and then hopped on a red eye and was a shell of a human being by the time I landed in Michigan Saturday morning and spent the entire trip sick as a dog. I heard you’re supposed to “feed a cold” so I used that as an excuse to binge eat the entire time I was there. . . I also introduced my mom to coconut milk ice cream mixed with peanut butter (and got her to use self-tanner, but that’s neither here nor there).
On the flight back I was stuck in between two children under the age of three. The little girl across the aisle was screaming the whole time and I’m not afraid to say I wanted to punch a baby. The little boy sitting next to me was adorable until he stole my pumpkin seeds and took a nose dive directly into my breasts…
The week ended on a high note when a homeless man yelled at me: “Damn! You got some fine white girl legs!” Bless his heart.