Happy one year anniversary DOABE readers! What a year it’s been, eh? I would take time to reflect on what I learned but that seems boring and this isn’t fucking Oprah.
The office was full of holiday treats the week before break. I don’t eat a lot of sugar these days, so when I do I get the spins and a pretty bad headache. You’d think this would stop me from shoveling the Christmas cookies, candy, and chocolate into my face in mass quantities… but no. Instead, I sit in my cubicle with a sugar hangover questioning whether I have ANY self-control left.
I boarded my plane to California around noon on the 23rd. As soon as I got on the flight attendant was already annoying me: “You know my last flight was full of babies. It reminded me of that one show… What’s the show with all the babies?” Everyone looked around because no one had the slightest clue what the hell she was talking about. Maybe because you gave the vaguest fucking description possible? And what shows are you watching? And no, I don’t care what your grandmother used to say about manners, or appreciate that you call club soda “bubble water”.
We got my mom an iPad for Christmas and that thing was glued to her hand the rest of the trip. She should probably start calling it the “solitaire machine” because that’s all she uses it for, occasionally shouting out the fictional amount of money she’s “won”. My brother joked that we should have saved the money and just gotten her a deck of cards. When I tried to give her shit about not giving me enough attention, she replied: “It’s like smoking. I can do it and socialize at the same time.” She got me a pair of knitting needles for Christmas, so it was a bizarre role reversal when I was knitting a scarf and bitching that she was playing her iPad too much.
We ate out several times at this burger joint/ whiskey bar. It was here that it became very apparent that my dad’s hearing is not quite what it used to be:
Dad: “What’s your name?”
Dad: “Florence. Got it.”
I spent New Years Eve with my family and some friends. I was barely able to stay awake until midnight and fell asleep on the couch shortly after. I was woken up around 3:45 am to the sounds of my friend ralphing all over the couch next to me. I wouldn’t have wanted to ring in 2012 any other way… Also, I was slightly relieved it wasn’t me for a change.
I think it’s safe to say I gained about 20 pounds over the break. I blame this on my alter ego “Vacation Celeste”. She gets off a routine, doesn’t work out, binges on everything until she’s uncomfortably full, doesn’t shower, and hangs out in sweat pants all day. I both love and hate her. I’d like to straighten her out but she’s one stubborn bitch.
I even strayed from the vegan diet and ate meat! In my defense, I get my dad’s cooking but once a year and the meat was from a local farm with grass fed animals. Not surprisingly, I ate too much of it and got the meat sweats almost every night.
The weather was in the high 70’s the entire trip and we spent our days playing four square, beach volleyball, corn hole, and hiking. All in all, it was an amazing vacation and I feel continually blessed to have such an awesome family. Thanks to all of you for the hospitality, good food, and even better company.
PS. If anyone wants to offer me a job in California, I’m all ears. What I lack in basic skill and common sense, I make up for in charisma… and handies.